Hi all. New owner, first post. First BMW!

I bought a nice '08 N52 X3 6MT (163,500 mi.) to be a fun family vehicle. It's a bit of a project.

It's experiencing a crank/no start condition and I can't figure it out.

Here's what I've learned so far:

1. It has a brand new battery and the engine turns over with authority.
2. I only got one key with it, and I assume the battery is dead, as the buttons do nothing.
3. The fuel pump pumps fuel. I hotwired it and filled an empty bottle with it at the rail quite quickly.
4. The car throws a code for cam position sensors. I installed new ones to no effect. Cleared codes and they came right back.
5. I cleaned the vanos solenoids (they were filthy and sticking) and they cleaned up nicely and seem to be functioning when jumped at the connectors. No effect on situation, though. Also cleaned and tightened up the connectors.
6. When turning ignition on, the fuel pump doesn't "run", it just gives a quick, robotic grunt. I'm not sure if that's normal, but it sounds as if it's supposed to do that. As I said before, jumping the pump under the seat will keep it pumping nonstop.
7. Car seems to have brand new spark plugs/zero ash/wear/etc. Plugs are not wet after prolonged cranking. Car is clearly not pumping fuel into the cylinders.
8. Compression sounds good enough.
9. Disconnected MAF sensor to see if it would fire, no effect.

What's my next move, here? Would a dead key prevent the car from starting? Again, it turns over like crazy. It seems as if it should start.

Thanks in advance for any guidance, here.