I'm sad to post an update to this as it's only been 3 1/2 weeks since I picked up my car and I'm barely halfway through breaking it in, but I got the dreaded "Drivetrain malfunction" error message.
Basically it started with Steering Assistant, Side Collision warning, and Pedestrian warning all failing... then immediately got a message "Chassis stabilization", and like 2 seconds later, got "Drivetrain malfunction" and something about the car not able to be started. These messages all happened in about 10-15 seconds.
I pulled over and I think the damned ASS turned my engine off and boom, was not able to start the car and it was basically a brick. Needed BMW Roadside Assistance. I had literally just gotten off a bridge and am lucky it happened when it did, I guess.
What a buzzkill after getting the car and it's not even a month. I never had anything like this happen with any of my previous BMWs so I guess it was my turn - but so soon! I was being so gentle with the car, too.