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Bigger wheels = thinner tires = rougher ride. Run flat tires = stiffer sidewalls = rougher ride. The truly variable suspension, yes, doesn't really exist maybe 1 in 20 vehicles or fewer. The normal "non sport" default mode is softer than hitting the button to go into sport mode.
As for what exact combo meets your threshold? Hard to say.
Road conditions, # miles you drive, age of kids, if you actually care if they complain, etc. are factors as well.
My 19" stock wheels w/ OEM replaced run-flats on shitty pothole roads hasn't ever been an issue for me / wife / 4 year old. But I've never owned the other cars you mentioned to compare to.
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